My name is Madison. These past three weeks or so have broken through bits of me I never knew even existed. This fire that has been fanned within has started burning the veils hanging over my eyes, what I thought I believed and all I thought I knew. The only thing I'm certain about now is change for the betterment of all of us.
I've always had fleeting ideas about freedom... you know, living without rules, living as a COMMUNITY where we help eachother grow for spiritual, psychological, emotional progression. I had a five day visit with close friends and a collective conciousness brought many ideas to fruition. At this point, for reasons unknown (and yet completely understandable), we all had in our minds this idea of real community with folks who want to hold up their brothers and sisters and live together equally. They continued on their journey and I was left in my apartment still churning the energy we'd so filled it with. Filled to the point of overflowing. My head, my heart; cliche but classic. I ranted and digressed my frustrations with friends who were lovingly listening but yet not able to identify with me. One night I was indulging in conversation with a pal, again one loved one listened patiently, and my soundboard suggested that I was an anarchist. I thought him absolutely nonsensical. Whatever one hears about anarchy without investigating it for themselves IS nonsense. After giving him time to explain a couple of basic anarchist beliefs, I found myself seeing with new eyes. I researched a lot and initially nurtured a desire to get to Christiania in Denmark to really be.
After having this breakthrough (and this has been weeks of progressive breakthrough), I continued thinking, but in a way still foreign to me. Some thoughts I'd never even considered were plaguing me for days. I was constantly playing the role of the societal cynic, which I never do (or did). I was realizing hope in the most disparaging places and telling people about my newfound ideas so to encourage them in their own self-realization. People are accepting. It's this collective conciousness again. The more I speak of this new turn of thought, the more people I attract/ am attracted to with same mindsets.
Terrified. I've been absolutely terrified. I believe so much so strongly so quickly and three weeks ago I was just a girl with a dream. You know, I'd never considered the possibility of freedom. There is so much blocking our sight that the plausibility of it all seems merely idealistic. Since finding out it exists and is worked at constantly by many beautiful groups of people around the world, everything in me has shifted.
I'm studying creative writing at a university in Canada. Last week, upon a base of frustration, I stepped one step off the foot path leading all 'round campus to stand in the sunshine. There were people walking so closely behind me I could feel their wind. I noticed this big hill between the sun and I. Huge. I considered the angle between the three of us. I lit a cigarette, meditated on this grand metaphor whilst listening to these idiots behind me speaking redundantly about things that don't matter, about absurd observations of their world, of those they're surrounded by. I couldn't believe how unaware they were of living. You know, really being alive. Thinking. Speaking. Blood pumping. Stop doing what you think you're so sure of doing! Just be!
And then I had to turn around and walk to class with all of them.
Terrified. What I'm feeling is no doubt radical, but it's right and it does not mean that it shouldn't be pursued or experienced. One of the friends I'd had the initial breakthrough with was over at my abode just the other night and finally having someone who could listen and understand to an extent my ideas and reciprocate hope or disappointment or even resentment, I broke down (read: broke THROUGH-- this was it). I can't do this, I told her. This isn't living, what I'm doing. I want to write and I want to help people and I want to grow symbiotically with them. I can't feel at home anywhere it seems. We are, after all, just visiting. What do possessions on a shelf or a closet with garments in it mean in terms of living or permanence?
I'll finish this next semester of school and then I'm off. Thing is, I'm not sure where to. There are obviously countless options and anywhere could use another body, another mind willing to further human interest and ideas surrounding anarchy... I can see where I'm going, I can feel the positivity in community and growth but I don't know where it is. I'm considering Europe. Having spent a year in Paris, France, I found the European way of life is more for me than North America's obsession with frivolity and leaving nothing to the imagination. Though to contradict myself, I've suddenly realized that NOTHING should be left to the imagination. Which is why I need to go and do something.
I'm envisioning an english-speaking community wherein I can learn and share with others sans language barrier. I'm envisioning something real. Any and all suggestions re: where might be best to focus on my newly acquired and already unbelievably firey anarchist beliefs are much, much appreciated.
It's time. We're going to do good.